Things That Could Have Happened This Year

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Readers,

  Since 2009 comes to an end for you tonight (really, I think it ought to be 2008 and there should have been a year zero, but it's your number system, not mine), I thought I would do a year in review from an Anachronist's perspective.

  For an Anachronist, it's not always so interesting what happened as what might have.  And so, here's what could have happened in the past year:

January: President John McCain takes the oath of office, which Chief Justice John Roberts screws up anyway.  Somehow, Vice President Sarah Palin steals the show for all 500 attendees.

February: President John McCain mysteriously dies in a helicopter oil drilling hunting expedition, and President Palin is sworn in.  Russia promptly deploys missiles in Kaliningrad.  Vladimir Putin paints shirtless portraits of himself on the largest missiles.

March: France withdraws from NATO.  Youth march through the streets in celebration, setting fire to cars and tossing hammers and sickles through windows.

April: Russia invades Ukraine.  In the ensuing nuclear exchange, all world capitals and most of the nuclear/military infrastructure is destroyed.  Due to an efficacious antimissile defense system, most US cities (with the exception of Washington DC), are spared.

May: The collapse of the global economy is accelerated by the fragmentation of the United States as well as the population collapse caused by the war.  World leaders are no longer available for comment.

June: Steve Jobs, from an undisclosed location in Apple's Rocky Mountain bunkers, announces the release of several new products, including a hand-crank powered iPhone.  3G coverage is spotty, no matter what you have a map for.

July: With their new stadium now the capital of a breakaway republic, the Mets play their best season in history, which mostly consists of repelling other "nations" from the stadium gates.

August: Speculators finally give up on their attempts to sell vast quantities of gold in the postgovernmental economy, since most people are far more interested in practical goods like food and antibiotics.

September: Still no sign of Swine Flu.  It was wiped out during the nuclear exchange in April.  There is no talk of a vaccine.

October: The first images of Washington DC are found on what remains of the Internet.  President Palin is in none of them.  With the falling housing market, the Fourth Estate is sold for a tenth of its original value.

November: The coming of Thanksgiving results in a cessation of hostilities in the former United States, though problems arise as arguments over who would have won the customary football game boil over into skirmishes.

December: With no remaining global infrastructure, the survivors find themselves overjoyed that global warming has continued.

So, I think we can all safely say that things went better for your time stream than could have been expected.  Happy New Year!

  Always,

  Dr. John Skylar
  Chairman
  Department of Anachronism
  University of Constantinople